Here's a Life Lesson I should have learned years ago, which I will share with the unwary: When choosing a quick lunch to be eaten in a public space, don't go into a Yorkshire sandwich shop. No, go to Boots or something. Get a couple of damp, compact triangles with some obedient sliced chicken stuffed into the front. Something that's not going to embarrass you. Do not struggle with your food; eat discreetly.

For those of you who prefer bitter experience to taking dictation (as it were), let me share that today I worked through lunch and had to grab a sandwich on the way to school. Hmm, tuna mayo, I thought. Something healthy(ish). I popped into our local family run bakery (how eco, how now) and asked for their tuna-mayo-sweetcorn-salad. Not large, just normal please. Problem with that? Thought not.

So how come I ended up crouched on a park bench, clutching a breadcake as big as my face, stuffed way beyond its limits with tuna-sweetcorn-mayo and just about everything that could possibly be classed as salad, including boiled egg and raw onion? It wasn't a filling, it was a layer. The bread was a layer, then the tuna-mayo was a layer, then the salad was a layer, then a final layer of bun perched on top. Good thing it was in a paper bag.

I am nearly thirty, and have impeccable table manners (honest), and I still got mayo on my cheekbones. Total food humiliation, for less than the price of a roasted pepper ciabatta. I love this county.